Jamie Varon’s Words.

I read a bit of this TIME featured article on Love and Romance and Chemistry and what not. It has me thinking about love. Well, I think about love a lot, but it has me thinking about it in a different capacity.

Why do we love? Why do we search for it endlessly and persistently? Even those who say they are not “searching” for it really are, in some sense of searching, because if you were closed off to it, it wouldn’t find you. Nothing finds you when your walls are up. So, although one might not be searching for love, meaning you are not looking in every nook and cranny for a piece, you are, in some ways, looking.

But, why? What is it about love that makes us inherently need it and desire it? So many of us have become broken due to love and yet we persevere consistently to find it. These aren’t new questions or original thought. I’m just curious.

Because I know that as deeply as my heart longs to love, I still lock myself away from it. I stay anti-committal, carefree, detached, and relatively unreachable to most. I do it because the irrationality, the illogical aspect, the downright ridiculously insane notion of LOVE keeps my feet on the ground even when my heart wants to go floating elsewhere. I do it subconsciously most of the time, but lately I’ve become much more aware of my walls and distance.

I wonder, coming from a place of such striking rationality, does anyone talk themselves into love? How does anyone go against the logical and become so vulnerable to emotions? Even the times where I thought I was in love, it was always something I could articulate, something I could analyze, something I could mold and play with in my mind. I doubt it was ever REAL, because love is losing control… and… seriously… how do you do that!?

I don’t think I can have a balance in my life. As much as I want to believe that I can, I think, deep down, I realize that I can’t. There are two parts of me, both clawing to get the most attention and I can’t give them both time to lash out. I need to choose.

For me, I find it impossible to be ambitious and determined without being guarded and anti-committal. That vulnerability stuff doesn’t bode well when one is trying to reach for dreams that need full concentration and focus. I cocoon myself when I have a goal to reach and my personal relationships suffer because of it. I just get too distracted by emotion and desire and friendship and love; it sends me off course.

Then again, there is this other part of me that wants to live for my relationships, that feels it might be possible to have love fulfill the holes in life. But I can’t be vulnerable and open and raw with my relationships without being overcome by emotion, both positively and negatively. Because, living for my relationships tears me open.

As someone who battles between being guarded and open, there seems no balance. But, either way, I feel unsatisfied. If I fill up my life with personal relationships, my ambitions and dreams suffer. If I set my goals, determined as all hell to fill them, then I find myself without meaningful relationships. There are trade-off’s and sacrifices and it’s increasingly becoming obvious what my battle is.

Because I can’t be vulnerable, open, willing to commit, ambitious, determined, independent, focused all at once. Inevitably, parts of myself will suffer based on what path I lead myself down. And, possibly the optimist in me believes it true that there might be hope for me to find some balance, but I’ve traveled both these paths and one way or another, I feel pain, longing, and suffering. So goes life, one might say.

What to write about. What. to. write. about. When you haven’t written in your blog in over a week, it’s kind of hard to figure out where to start. My mind right now is buzzing about in a thousand directions and each blog post has its own entity being all, “Jamie! Write about me!” My thoughts are like impatient children desperate for attention. Except I can’t give these thoughts an Otter Pop to shut them up. Brain freeze, ya know?

Wow, lame joke.

In the past week or so I’ve realized some things about myself. And, maybe by me exposing these things, you all can get a little insight into yourselves.

• I want to be a better person. Really. I do. Not just on the outside or from what I say to others, but I want purer thoughts, because negativity seems to be creeping up.
• I want to feel more vulnerable at all times, because right now I have this air about me that signals to everyone that I need no one and I always have it together. Even if that WAS true, I wouldn’t want it. Life is a disaster and I need to let myself crumble more often.
• It’s extremely difficult being a strong, passionate, outspoken, and independent woman. The more I put myself out into the world, the more I realize that not everyone appreciates me as I am. It makes life a little more difficult, but giving into conformity sounds more daunting than being myself, as I am.
• I’m hoping that by walking a different path this time will help the outcome be different as well.

Summer makes for an interesting time of self-reflection, especially when you are unemployed. All the things I’ve repressed over the school year are coming back to me, aching for some mental attention. However, I have some really exciting things happening in the coming two weeks and looking forward to it helps the days go by faster. =)

I’ve been messing around in my head way too much these days and I want to come out of this melancholy coma. All this nasty business of, you know, trying to figure out my future, just has me feeling down in the dumps, but it’s all coming together. Sorta. Kinda. Sure?

My friend Jessica and I always have incredibly awesome iChat conversations and I was just on this blog where she posted screen shots of her iChat convos and I thought, “Well, hell, that’s kinda funny…”

So yeah, here you go…

Jealousy is a sick, sick, SICK, drug. You can become addicted to it, to feeding off of the negativity that encapsulates you when you are comparing yourself. It’s terrible.

Jealousy makes me want to bludgeon myself in the head with a blunt object, all the while yelling at myself saying, “STOP DOING THAT!”

I suggest that everyone take inventory on what they have to offer in all aspects of their life. The better we all get to know ourselves, the better we can be as human beings. It’s important to know who you are, how you handle conflict, how you handle relationships, etc, because otherwise you start reacting on autopilot and your life becomes an irrational, emotional mess. No. Thank. You.

I’ve been taking inventory on myself a lot this year and as I transition into a new stage of my life, it’s important that I know my strengths and weaknesses. What I’ve gathered is that I’m basically this person:

I’m authentic. I don’t believe in trying to be someone else or in suppressing who I am. I embrace everything about myself, including most importantly, my flaws.

I’m uncompromising. I’ll go halfway for certain people, but mostly I don’t trust others judgment, so I stay immobile on my opinion or decision.

I’ll listen to you for hours, but at the end of the day, I will make up my own mind.

A lot of my social identity is wrapped up in the fact that I am confident, bold, and flirty. Sometimes, I become exasperated with this, wanting to put those characteristics to the wayside, but it’s quite hard to do so. Just as shy people have a difficult time being outgoing, I have a difficult time shifting the attention off of me.

I don’t talk incessantly about my flaws to make other people feel better. You will hear me talk more about the things I love about myself than the things I dislike. I don’t care if I come off as arrogant; I care if I come off as self-deprecating or overly insecure.

I don’t trust people easily. I hate when people take things I do or say personally. And I’m really extremely unbelievably intuitive and aware; I notice the unnoticeable and pick up on basically everything. Things don’t get past me, I smell bullshit from a mile away, and I probably already know what’s going on before everybody else.

I’m so anti-committal it frustrates myself and my friends. I don’t like to admit when someone is attracted to me (even though I know they are) because that means I might have to change my behavior or, possibly, end up in a relationship.

I am not a people pleaser and the more I recognize that, the less patience I have for people that are. Being friendly, generous, compassionate, and loving is one thing. Being a door mat and a person who doesn’t honor their own feelings in life is another.

I am instantly attracted to people who are funny. I want to find women friends that are like me, but it’s difficult. I have a strong moral code and idea of social conduct. I hate the media for the most part and I have a hard time respecting people that don’t challenge societal expectations.

I respect myself completely. I’m tough, probably intimidating, and might be a bitch to some.

This is who I am. This is who I accept myself to be. I’m proud of who I am.

Are you being you? Do you know who you are? It can’t be overemphasized the importance of understanding yourself.

Yesterday I went to Barnes & Noble because that’s what I do for fun and I was reading my Psychology Today magazine, again, because that’s what I do for fun. I read this one article fervently about how people are wanting to live authentically. First, I was so inspired to find out that there is a large majority of people wanting to lead authentic lives. Second, I was a bit taken aback because the article stated that it was extremely challenging and difficult to lead an authentic life. I patted myself on the back; I’ve devoted my life to being authentic and I feel like I live up to that sincerity daily. Until I read this article, I hadn’t realized how much work it takes (and that I do) to live truly and rawly as myself.

This quote, in the article titled “Dare To Be Yourself” spoke to me: “People who feel inauthentic are often living life according to fixed views on how they should be.” When I read that, and subsequently the rest of the article, I felt like screaming from the rooftops, “HALLELUJAH! SOMEONE GETS ME!”

I challenge you all to be authentic, to listen to yourself when you are making decisions about every aspect of your life. Sure, it’s difficult to be self-aware and, believe me, it gets tiresome, but at the end of the day it’s much more fulfilling.

This sums it up perfect:

That lesson isn’t confined to Eastern spirituality. In The Way of Man, philosopher Martin Buber relates a Hasidic parable about one Rabbi Zusya, a self-effacing scholar who has a deathbed revelation that he shares with the friends keeping vigil at his side. “In the next life, I shall not be asked: ‘Why were you not more like Moses?’” he says. “I shall be asked: ‘Why were you not more like Zusya?’”

I refuse to freak out. I refuse to panic, even though I have plenty of reasons to do so. I refuse to let unrealistic expectations govern the degree of my own personal success.

I’m beginning to understand that this year has been the time where everything familiar and comfortable is shattered, so I’m left clutching at new hope and new perspectives. It would only be expected that I am having a fruitless job search. Instead of becoming downtrodden and hopeless (which I’ve been tempted to be), I have decided to see this all as opportunity. An opportunity to grow and learn about myself.

There’s a difference between being self-reflective by your own accord and being self-reflective because you HAVE to, experience and pain demands it of you. You can grow because you just feel like it’s time to do so or you can grow because you have to. And, right now, I have to grow. I have to learn. Otherwise, I’m going to drown.

So, this means I need to change perspective. I need to take a sharp turn towards another road, because the one I’ve been on has been littered with disappointment. Disappointment in the best way possible, because I’m learning where I’m meant to go, not where I think I want to go, but where I’m MEANT TO GO. I’m losing control of my own life and I think, for the first time ever, I’m beginning to understand what it means to be free.

It’s weird how life will teach you the greatest lessons through the oddest means; you can learn them if your heart is pointed in the right direction. I have every reason to give up, to close up, to dry up, to lay down and accept an average existence. But, I refuse. I want more. I need more. And, if it means I’m going to suffer for a while before I truly understand where to go, then bring it on.